Me: Hey, Old Navy, why do your pants fit so weird?
Old Navy: Why do you keep buying my pants if all you do is complain about them, you cheapskate!
Me: Well, wait a minute...
ON: Have you ever thought maybe it's YOU? You're not exactly 100% faithful to your little Points Plan, you know..
Me: Hey hey HEY!
ON: Sorry. I'm sorry, it's just...it's been hard. I mean, when Banana Republic is your big sister, it's like nothing you do is good enough.
Me: I hear you. But you know, she's a stuck-up bitch. You're much more approachable.
ON: <blushes> Thanks, but I mean...well, she's good at what she does.
Me: Really, I only buy her stuff second-hand or on serious clearance. Most of the new stuff is overpriced and fugly anyway. You go on the site and everything's beige!
ON: Ha! She does love her neutrals. Look, being the youngest, it's like my parent company just gave up on me. They're always like "You're the fun one! We don't have to worry about fit or shape! Just make the colors brighter! You know we need you to be the cheap one!"
Me: Man. That sucks.
ON: You think I don't want to do a collaboration? Did they even THINK about sending Diane Von Furstenberg my way? Oh nooo, that's just for the Gap. Her demographic is SO much more sophisticated. I can be sophisticated!
Me: Sure you can! I have a necklace of yours that I get tons of compliments on! And everyone's surprised when I told them I got it at Old Navy! I mean...not that there's anything wrong with...um...
ON: It's okay. I understand.
Me: Sorry. So, can we talk about the pants?
ON: <Sigh> Sure. Go ahead.
Me: Well, it's like, I try one size on, and they're too tight. I try the next size up, and they're a little too big. And after a couple hours of wearing them, it's like they're three sizes too big! What's up with that?
ON: I know. Believe me, I've heard it a million times. I don't know what to tell you. Hey, we have some cute swimwear on sale. Have you checked it out?
Me: Ah...yeah...your swimsuits aren't really made for a grown woman who's had a kid. They don't offer enough...support, if you know what I mean.
Me: Yeah. But you know what I DO love? Your athletic wear! It's really well done, and so reasonably priced!
ON: <beams> Aww, thanks! Wow, that's great. I mean, I really feel better now.
Me: It's true! Okay. No more complaints about the pants. I can deal. I mean, I find J Crew pretty cheap on eBay, so I'll just-
ON: Hello? I don't want to hear about it.
Me: Right. Okay. Active wear!
ON: Right. Bye.